How to preserve the quality of discussions in a couple

How to preserve the quality of discussions in a couple

LE FIGARO. - How do you analyze this strong need to word that seems to feel today?

  Robert NEUBURGER. - I think that expresses something very feminine. It is women who buy books on conversation and communication. Every day, I observed in my study, among couples who consult. Lady arrives and complains: "He does not speak." In reality, we humans have two types of language, which distinguishes us from animals: verbal, that appear just focus on women and analog, rather practiced by men. Mr. acts and this makes sense, but Ms. wants to talk.

But men have always found themselves in a circle, for example in clubs or pubs to speak, right?

  Yes, but in these cases it was often to talk about football, cars ... Especially not their privacy. In this matter, they have trouble expressing their feelings. Their companions are much less inhibited. So in couples, for there to be fruitful exchanges, there must be a true object of conversation. Too often, the "children" subject that takes up all the space. I often tell my patients: from time to time, go out every two and snooze, you talk about your progeny or your families. Choose a topic that interests you both ... Usually about a rewarding is the one that reveals unexpected by the other.

Other sensitive issues for couples?

  I think we tend to say too that we must communicate about sexuality. But careful! It will "speak" not because it is a language in itself, and the language of the body is sufficient agreement to himself. On the other hand, sexual sulks are not appropriate responses to the challenges that are not sexual. Above all, better not talk about sexual experiences with other partners as some are tempted to do, it only leads to more resentment and guilt.

You who are also family therapist, what quality of conversation do you see there?

  I must admit that family therapies are scarce, perhaps because families are breaking a lot these days. I get those mainly cultivate practical exchanges of the type "who will buy bread?" ... And new technologies have not helped at all. The other day I watched a young mother who was crossing the street, cell phone glued to his ear and clutching his toddler on the other side ... Driving too addictive behaviors this type of conversation is observed. This is in no way a sign of quality of comments exchanged. And indeed, there is a communicative deficiency in families.

How, then, promote constructive conversations?

  I think these are facilitated by the use of a mediator third: a book, a film, a medium from which we will be able to ask the right questions, and do it with his partner. This is why I designed this little guide, Showing torque balance: many patients entrusted to me they did not know how to go for dialogue. Some small mechanisms are effective in this sense: for example, if one evokes a problem, always at the same time propose a solution; when advance blows blame, confrontation is not far. And the sign of a failed call is that it turns around. To escape, each must find the feeling of being listened to.